self-realization, its a crazy thing we all have it, some of us ignore it some of us embrace it some of us are caught in between, some of us improve on it.

sometimes we play mind games with the people around us to ensure the status we stand in their eyes and when we come to an actual problem we see who our friends are and who has just been there just for the sake of being. slithering words and actions puts us on an emotional turmoil i swear such a natural disaster.

at this moment i think its the most desperate moment of my life, that why i'm extra extra emotional because i need to give this emotional support to my family and myself as i am about to lose the one person who i've looked up to as a father figure. it probably doesn't hit you that bad at the moment, but imagine if it was your father or your brother or someone who has been there for you all this while who keeps all your secrets since you stole your first candy bar from the bottle of candy you were forbidden to eat from and now you see him lying there helpless shapeless, hopeless.

people come and go in our lives and i'm very factual in dealing with these losses but this one hits me i'd say harder than any other so far. well, i depended on what i though i could depend on at that very moment but i know i was wrong. i was very wrong. i need to deal with these things alone. i know i will repeat this mistake again and this is what happens when we cant help ourselves. my identity is shattered.

the ouch you feel when someone say "its just not right". when you just need the support at that very moment.. and you hear it from the person you're so close to in some ways that you treat them like family. all you can do is suck it up and walk it off and i walked so long that i swear i felt i lost all my weight. when i reached home and sat in the garden with my hands over my face and slowly i could watch the light come through my fingers. well we all know not to make a permanent decision on a temporary emotion, i guess i'm not a permanent point in your life. sometimes you just need to tell yourself you're just a not that person.

sometimes you watch chick flicks and you just fall for this whole fake thing.. i think its the greatest lie on earth.