words that only can be expressed by the art from the shades of a pencil and the smell of ink and paper. what is it that you are looking for? love? laughter? art? vengeance? 

the space between you and reality where you hide your insecurities. it is as if you are standing on the sun, so strong immune to almost everything, outer layer of titanium, inner of paper. bulletproof on the outside, burnt to ashes on the inside.

Passion ~ a notation of our desires in which we spill our thoughts in a creative way. 

the moment that everything you've worked for for the past four years is right in front of you and yet you don't know what to do. the notions of your motions that are not questioned by others because it is deemed to be the norm. effortlessly done. beautifully carved into the minds of the people who you want to believe in you. 

then all of a sudden a black hole sucks you in and everything is blur, then you forget the only reason you had, holding on only to the certainty of your senses of which are memories that you took for-granted. 

time and time again we lie to ourselves by abusing the subjectivity of our memory to suit our unforgiving actions. 

"the beauty of my life is that nothing is planned so i can be daring to show my creativity in everything i do." nsa,2012.

discipline ~ something hard to achieve but when achieved gives you results of wonders

If you cant control your emotions we all know you wont be able to control your actions.

discipline your emotions, control your actions and change your life

its always what you can change for yourself and not trying to change change itself.

you want to be there you want to be here too

as much as you need to be here you need to be there too

its like swimming in mud as the world floats forward before me

every step forward is a step behind

so much is before me but one year is it so much to sacrifice

what if its not one year

how will this matter be financially

its like so difficult

people may wonder why the daily struggle 

but everyday is a struggle if you wake up and you see your responsibilities

as a live feed on your social network

private lessons to the soul

the art of getting a yes without even having to pose the actual question or posing a simple enough question to reveal everything. this art opens doors we never though of achieving when we were little kids. while we go though life with all these prospects in front of us, we walk through a stormy phase of decisions at a slow pace then change is set in motion by a very impactful event in life - a birth, a loss, a gain or a cause. something that has the "tours de force" to make you change without realising you have even changed because of the compounding effects that it has left on you.
-N.S.A, 2012-

-i appreciate everything you have done for me because without you, i would have been just a nobody-

sometimes i wonder what is it i am made of. Am i so broken that everything that hurts just isn't that hurtful anymore, then i came across this -

"Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken." - Le Malentendu de Camus. 

If my memory serves me right, it took me 3 months to decide and get everything together to come to Melbourne. It was really something I wanted to do at that time for several reasons:

- reasoned to believe that love was something to fight for (i don't believe in this shit anymore)
- get out of the country to for my own success
- prove everyone wrong

as all these reasons seem selfish and individualistic let me tell you that being has only showed me that i was more selfish to myself than to others.

The past week I have been over and under this idea of changing everything once again. Its been one week and I have come to reason that I should get all my stuff together and head North of the Globe but then comes the thought if i can be kind to myself and selfish to others, leave this place and walk on unstable path that may or may not have a pavement for me or shall i be selfish to myself and just stay here to support others who barely recognize what i'm giving up.

__________________________________________________________________
My reply to your note.

"Lorsque vous commencez à vraiment connaître quelqu'un, toutes les caractéristiques physiques de leurs commencent à disparaître. Vous commencez à habiter dans leur énergie, de reconnaître l'odeur de leur peau. Vous ne voyez que l'essence de la personne, et non pas la coquille. C'est pourquoi vous ne pouvez pas tomber en amour avec la beauté. Vous pouvez convoiter il, être infatué de il, veulent le posséder. Vous pouvez l'aimer avec vos yeux et votre corps, mais pas votre cœur. Et c'est pourquoi, quand vous avez vraiment en contact avec l'intérieur d'une personne, toutes les imperfections disparaissent, devenue sans objet."


oh what excitement it was! to one of the most amazing experiences in my life ~ until we secretly meet again someday.

the four week challenge

putting too much though into things that make you crazy.

facing the circle of life.

working my way up or pulling myself down. 

shall i move on or shall i move in.

the first step in the off the face of the earth.

dreams are only dreams without actions.

actions without plans are clearly nightmares.

walking on a dream between hurricanes and butterflies.

planning for a big change. 

as the picture above says today i marks one month of me swapping puffs for runs.

time and time again a voice made of ink

determination with the appropriate level of humanity, that's what i need.
waiting for tables to turn cards to change waiting for things that will never happen without the first step
running low on determination high on self-pity-rewarding moments
more times than one we just want to leave all we have and walk that road that promises nothing but self indulgence - it may be selfish to some but it will be being kind to myself.
keep telling yourself power through this rough patch and things will get better, through the years i've been going through these patches like clean shirts on a Monday morning
as much as i want to trade cigarettes for a run, parties for sleep, alcohol for chai and eat to live - its more difficult that it seems.

unicorns and rainbows on a sunny afternoon

we only live once so live it like you are going to win every moment but never gamble what you are not ready to lose. once i had a possession which was the light of my dark side and the dark of my light. the little something that gave me that pull or push that you need wherever you are standing. i lost that possession but somehow this loss created just the right harmony of events which gave life just the right balance. we need to be a little unbalance to be balanced that is what makes my life so on the edge all the time.

i know this girl and she is my equal yet my opposite. i know of her life i know of her burdens but i only spoke to her once, but somehow through social media she just keeps popping up in my life. coincidence much? one only can wonder. as i read her art, the similarities of life syntax is uncanny. the arrangements of thoughts is so familiar that i can smell the smell of vanilla and cinnamon off the text.

to whom you bring your home to 

opportunities come and go, thousands and thousands that pass through our lives everyday. the difficult thing is choosing the right ones. it comes in many forms, from a sheet of paper blown by to a job interview landed. for me it was a warm kind gesture : a smile, and just like that i maybe well of on my way to being someone.

i came here on a plane dreaming high yet living the life as a nobody. i worked day and night to put myself though 3 years of uni i had the longest and most painful yet memorable relationship so i can say been there done that. so the rule i live by today is: break up, break down, drink up, fool around (we all know this from 2 days in paris). the past 8 months i've been living the life of a jobless person living on money i got from pulling random jobs of course during the frames i wanna forget i went partying till my heart contents, i can say i've experienced almost all the wonders of wonders and the worst of non-wonders.

an opportunity is not yours unless you recognise it as an opportunity dont make this just another story.

this mean mean world

decisions, decisions. Every decision we make creates a butterfly effect on our entire life and somehow affects how this universe works. Life is to be lived without regrets because at that very moment the decision had to be made and thus there is no such thing as "I should have".

Being torn between the pages of my life gives me a fresh perspective on what can be and what should be. I getting less and less done I'm falling deeper into this abyss and as to this seemingly bottomless chasm I keep hoping to hit rock bottom. I guess that's whats holding me back.

I know the one thing that's bothering me now is the fact that grandpa is not doing too well. I refuse to talk about it because I'm so sick of hearing consoling words like " he is going to be alright" or "he will get better". I know how things are and I guess I'm pretty realistic when it comes to this, I just need to get it off my chest and I'd be fine for the day.

Clearly this is not how I pictured myself when I was a kid. Oh this mean mean world. For those of you who think otherwise, I quote a very wise barber who has seen it all"

"you are young and life has been kind to you, you will learn"

overcome your fear

I have this dream and its the biggest thing i want to do but I just don't have the confidence to do it yet. Its something I've only talked about to one person in this whole world and give that this is me and I love asking people's opinion I think I must be really scared of what it may bring. Like I do show a side of it sometimes but more often than always its a deep secret of one thing that I do really want to do. I have 3 weeks of leave and I'm considering this like hell a lot, but if i dont try it I will never know and if i do try it no one but me will know unless I decide to tell someone, which is highly unlikely if I fail I would tell anyone.

I'm so eager but yet I'm so scared of not being able to deliver as much as I assume I can. What do you fear look up into the blank ceiling and say it out loud. Over come your fear.

its almost as if looking through a window, its blistering cold outside that the window is now fragile one touch all will shatter into a million pieces, the bitter air takes your last breath and everything just freezes, so does the heart. The one moment you realise this happening, then its gone. Its not about doing anything or your reaction.

The simple idea of keeping you balance. We do it everyday, however we fail to do it when we need it the most. Why do we ignore the fact and live that lie, simply because its easier that way.

the hardest part of life is when you yourself are facing it full on, as much as you try to feel for others it will only take you when you are in that very moment. All the stories you hear and how much you predict or foresee it happening to you, you wont actually realize until time has come. Thus, I refuse to let myself feel at the moment I just refuse. I just shut it out from my entire lifestyle, but every time my phone buzzes i get the creeps right down my spine. I take a deep breath hoping that all is well.

Silence is the best remedy for any situation as no news is more likely good news. Sit here as silent as I may I know that if i let this silence go I will fall apart and the drama will begin. This is not some love story crisis or some I am hopeless cry. This is the silence of knowing that no life is worth this much to me and no story will be told like yours.

its so frustrating at this point of my life yet i cant complain much. i guess i'm doing pretty well for myself being able to do wherever i want and go where ever i want. come to think of it, almost all my personal issues have been resolved. however, i dont feel content. there is something missing and i'm sure its because i dont enjoy what i do. its not that i dont make enough for a living its just that its finally come to a point in my life where i dont know what i exactly want to do and i'm tired of managing a business that i dont get much of.

i have these ideas but its just getting them down on to paper which i have found out today it shouldnt be because i'm such a wordy person that it shouldnt be a problem for me. maybe its just that i am lazy. i find myself not having enough of commitment and focus to do one specific thing. i just lose interest and drop out of it as if it never happened and i am not a part of it or it wasnt a part of my life.

i guess that i really dont have that energy to go and do something from scratch because i have the high need to feed off other people passion. i have so much of passion to type out my thoughts however i dont have the passion to put it out on a very formal level. ergh..its so frustrating. i gotta live with this and make something out of myself. i'm running out of time.

trade your soul

why do i have to grow up? isn't it enough that i've learned how to behave in public T.T

having nothing to do yet having a mind full of spilling thoughts is the most torturous thing in the world. every turn i go says something else. i'm so lost and so confuse, my biggest fear is here to haunt me and i am not equipped with anything.

i have manged to turn off the switch. sometimes i feel that its best this way, although i become very very very mean but sometimes life's a bitch, then i wonder is this the stuff dreams are made of? today i feel like i drank a gallon of cement and everything has become stone.

have you ever got that feeling that you wanna just say to a person: i get your point but you're full of shit..(kick the person in the gut and shout) THIS IS SPARTAAAA!!!!~~~

here is sit typing my letter thinking if i should or i should not send it and sending it would mean a whole change to my life. the best thing about going somewhere where nobody knows you is you can be anyone you like and i'd like to be Batgirl.

self-realization, its a crazy thing we all have it, some of us ignore it some of us embrace it some of us are caught in between, some of us improve on it.

sometimes we play mind games with the people around us to ensure the status we stand in their eyes and when we come to an actual problem we see who our friends are and who has just been there just for the sake of being. slithering words and actions puts us on an emotional turmoil i swear such a natural disaster.

at this moment i think its the most desperate moment of my life, that why i'm extra extra emotional because i need to give this emotional support to my family and myself as i am about to lose the one person who i've looked up to as a father figure. it probably doesn't hit you that bad at the moment, but imagine if it was your father or your brother or someone who has been there for you all this while who keeps all your secrets since you stole your first candy bar from the bottle of candy you were forbidden to eat from and now you see him lying there helpless shapeless, hopeless.

people come and go in our lives and i'm very factual in dealing with these losses but this one hits me i'd say harder than any other so far. well, i depended on what i though i could depend on at that very moment but i know i was wrong. i was very wrong. i need to deal with these things alone. i know i will repeat this mistake again and this is what happens when we cant help ourselves. my identity is shattered.

the ouch you feel when someone say "its just not right". when you just need the support at that very moment.. and you hear it from the person you're so close to in some ways that you treat them like family. all you can do is suck it up and walk it off and i walked so long that i swear i felt i lost all my weight. when i reached home and sat in the garden with my hands over my face and slowly i could watch the light come through my fingers. well we all know not to make a permanent decision on a temporary emotion, i guess i'm not a permanent point in your life. sometimes you just need to tell yourself you're just a not that person.

sometimes you watch chick flicks and you just fall for this whole fake thing.. i think its the greatest lie on earth.

when you lose at your own game you really feel like shit.

i just wanna blurt out my slur

i've managed to let go many things last year including the biggest relationship of my life so far

but today i realise i need to let go of something i know i cannot get

as i sit here watching the rain with my cigarette in one hand a beer in another looking at the effort scale of my entire life.

realizing who is dependable and who you can speak to no matter what your deepest darkest secrets are and no matter the distance or how long it has been you dont realise this separation as if you last met yesterday, without having to ask my favorite question of whats new?

then you see that life, its a forward momentum certain things are inevitable

putting too much effort into things i know wont be mine is totally a waste of time.

i should just let things be as they are and don't expect anything out of anyone.

needless to say i have some unusual habits,

yet these socially acceptable people can't wait to pick up hammers and smash their food to bits.